today's the first day of the rest of your life...
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
"[Robin Hood] is the man who became a symbol of the idea that need, not achievement, is the source of rights, that we don‘t have to produce, only to want, that the earned does not belong to us, but the unearned does. He became a justification for every mediocrity who, unable to make his own living, has demanded the power to dispose of the property of his betters, by proclaiming his willingness to devote his life to his inferiors at the price of robbing his superiors. . . . Until men learn that of all human symbols, Robin Hood is the most immoral and the most contemptible, there will be no justice on earth and no way for mankind to survive."
- Ayn Rand
Sunday, April 15, 2007
yesterday was the worst day of my life.
today is worse.
i dont know what to do. i dont know if there is anything i can do.
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
We stumble into each other's lives and we knock some things over
Try not to make a sound
Each time you reach out, a new shout or shine-on
We run in and fall out, fumble around for the key
I'll always keep the light on for you
You try so hard to be alive
What else can you do, but close your eyes
You can't see the beautiful way when you're burning so bright
no, of course i don't have anything to say, just some lyrics i like.
can't wait for break...
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
I wake up, it's a bad dream
No one on my side
I was fighting
But I just feel too tired
To be fighting
Guess I'm not the fighting kind
i'm going to miss you so much...
Thursday, December 7, 2006
the past few months have been..an experience. so much has changed, and at times it has been hard. at times i have dealt with it in negative ways, or just avoided dealing with it at all. i realize that ive made some reckless choices. that ive done things for the wrong reasons. that i wasnt respecting myself. i wasnt even really aware of it. i wasnt aware of anything. and then i hit the bottom. i woke up. and i realized that i couldnt continue this way, that i didnt want to continue this way. its like i didnt know how to deal with everything and so someone just flipped the switch on my emotions, and now i feel like theyve been turned back on. its not as simple as just suddenly being the person who i want to be. because i have no concept of who that is. but i realize that i have been acting like someone who i'm not. and just the fact that i realize that is a step in the right direction. im taking it all back, one thing at a time. i care again. i feel alive. im ready to face the way things are. and i have no regrets. i think that despite the fact that this has been a difficult few months for me, it was absolutely nessecary.
im sorry that i put you through this. i know i hurt you. i wish i could take that back. but i am so glad that youve stuck be me through it all. and not only did you stick by me, but you helped me through it. you never stopped amazing me...i love you. i dont know what the future holds..but i try not to even think about it, because i cant imagine my life without you, i really cant...
Sunday, October 8, 2006
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
8:51AM - epiphany
i want someone who will tell me i'm beautiful
who likes cuddling as much as i do
who holds my hand in public because he wants to
who i can tell anything to
who i can trust to be honest with me
and to keep my secrets
who laughs at my stupid jokes
and has a good sense of humor
who cares about my feelings
and doesn't try to change who i am
who puts up with me when im crazy
who is not just my boyfriend
but my best friend at the same time
who has a good heart
who has similar opinions as me
on important issues like religion and politics
and less important things like movies and music and sports
and who can accept it when my opinions aren't the same
who i can talk to about anything, serious or otherwise
who will hold me while i cry
and cheer me up when i'm sad
and won't tell me that everything will be okay if it won't
who seems perfect to me even though he's not
who is a complete dork at times like me
and who i can't be embarassed in front of
even if i tried
who i am perfect with
who loves me for me
someone who i'm completely in love with
thank you for being that person. thank you for everything. i don't regret a minute of it.
thank you for knowing the right things to say, to make it easier for me to let go. people kept asking me if i love you so much, why weren't we staying together? if our relationship is so strong, why would we end it? they made me wonder if i wasnt fucking up. but now i realize that it doesnt matter if other people cant understand our reasons. i remember why this is what makes the most sense. i realize that you are still going to call. i realize that when i come home in two and a half months youll still be wanting to see me. i realize that you will still be there for me when i need you. i realize that everything is going to be okay and that this is for the best.
i love you.
Friday, August 18, 2006
8:31AM - ambiguity
to people I know...some very important in my life, others quite insignificant...
feel free to ask me who i'm speaking about..i just might tell you.
**Somehow you are both concerned with what others think of you and yet you never hesitate to speak your mind and be yourself. I think it frustrates you to know that you would be more popular if you were to compromise your values, because you know that that is something you can never do. Honestly, though many people may not see you this way, I think you are one of the most individual people I know. I've never seen anyone influence you to do something you didn't want to. You hold your ground no matter what and I can always count on you to be consistent. Stay strong. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you need to change.
**Our friendship has continually changed over many years. There were times when we were best friends...but as our friendship faced the tests of distance, it weakened some. There were times when I felt like I had nothing in common with you anymore, yet I still stood to gain from being your friend, so I stuck around. I haven't felt like I am best friends with you in a long time, I don't know if you feel differently; however, I do feel that you have been a good friend to me over the years and I'm glad I stuck through those awkward times because I once again enjoy your friendship and no longer want to use you.
**You've had a rough year. A lot of people have looked down on you for everything thats happened. I will admit that while I'm not sure your problems are as extensive as some people have made them to be, you have made a lot of immature and reckless choices. I'm proud of you for finally starting to get back on track. Even if the treatment you have been perscribed is for an affliction you do not have, I hope you will take something from it. I hope you will allow it to open your eyes and see things for what they really are. To see just how weak your bonds are with certain people, bonds which you once thought were the sincerest and strongest form of friendship. I hope that you don't give up or fall back in to your old ways. The only thing that can keep you from succeeding in the future is yourself...don't let that happen.
**When I first met you, I liked you. But that has changed, because you can't let one night pass by without starting some kind of drama. I don't know if you do it for attention, if you just enjoy drama, or what, but I do know that everyone is sick of your shit. You cause unnessecary fights and ruin really fun times. Worst of all, you treat him like shit. You're just lucky that he loves you so much that he doesn't see it that way. Some day he'll wake up and notice. You don't deserve him.
**We have been friends for a long time, though the strength of our friendship continually varies. I can't depend on you, because even your presence in my life is inconsistent. I always have fun when I spend time with you, but I've never really opened up to you on more than a superficial level because I always know in the back of my mind that I can't count on you to be there. Sometimes I feel like you would do anything for me, and other times I don't know if you would do a single thing. Lately our friendship has been pretty strong. Maybe this time it will stay like that. I hope so.
**I place more importance on you than I probably should. And I'm going to get burned as a result of it. I love you with all my heart. You are my best friend, the one person I can go to about anything. You make me feel safe, and you help me keep it together when I feel like I'm falling apart. I really hope that distance does not totally deteriorate our friendship. I know that our relationship is going to change, but I hope that we defy all likelihood and stay friends, keep in touch. I hope I will be able to handle my life without you because right now it still seems unfathomable...I love you.
**Once upon a time, you hurt me more than anyone ever has. I used to get so upset thinking of the way you treated me. Now, you harldy ever even cross my mind. And when I do look back, I don't feel anger, I feel relief. This is one situation where I don't wonder what would have happened if things went differently because I know that the way they happened was the best for me. I learned a lot from what happened and I finally saw through your bullshit. I realized that what I thought I wanted, wasn't what I wanted at all.
**You've changed a lot over the past few months, taking steps toward finding yourself. People have all had varying opinions and reactions about these changes. Some people are upset because you aren't the same person you used to be. I'm glad you haven't listened to them. Its unfair to expect people to never change, and I think you have changed for the better. I think that changing has helped you figure out more about yourself and what makes you happy, and that can't be anything but good. I admire you for having the courage to become something totally different just beause you wanted to.
**I've always thought of you as one of my good friends, and when I look back on the times we've had, I think we must be. But it doesn't feel like it a lot of the time. I feel like no matter how much I try to reach out to you, you never confide in me. I'm always learning about you from a third party instead of hearing things straight from you. Sometimes I think you don't want to be my friend anymore and you're pushing me away, but that just doesn't make sense with the some of things you have said and done. Over the past few months I've seen you slowly self-destruct despite the dozens of people who want to lift you back up. You say that you are going to cut all of that shit out and though I find that hard to believe, I hope its true. I want you to know that even though you have pushed me away lately, I am always here, to listen or to do anything for you, no matter what mistakes you make.
**We don't talk very often, but when we do, I always seem to find your words echoing in my head. You have a way of turning my thoughts upside down. I always tell myself that I am not going to let you get to me, and yet you always manage to do just that. You make me doubt my choices. You make me wonder how different things could be...
**I'm still trying to figure you out. Sometimes you annoy the hell out of me. I hate the way conversations always seem to end up being about you..though I think I'm the only one who notices this. I hate the way you dwell on the stupidest things. The way you oscilate between caring with all your soul and not caring at all, between trying to please others and trying to please yourself. What you lack is a motive in life - with that you could be so much more.
**You are best described as a nuturer. You always like to take care of other people and be there for them. It doesn't matter who they are or what they need, you try and help. I am not sure what motivates this aspect of you. It could be as simple as that helping others makes you the happiest. But I think there is something deeper behind it. Perhaps it is an attempt to make yourself important to others. Perhaps you seek to solve other people's problems in order to avoid your own. I have appreciated your friendship and the many things you have done to me, but I worry that you don't spend enough time doing things for yourself. Don't help others at the cost of your wellbeing or happiness. You deserve better.
**I've known you for a long time, but we weren't really friends until recently. Even now I sometimes feel like I only know you in a friend-of-a-friend kind of way. Its probably my fault that we haven't become better friends. I hope you aren't upset. I have enjoyed laughing and playing with you. I think that the level of friendship we had was just the right amount..I hope you don't feel differently.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
"if it's right now, it'll still be right in four years"
"i don't even understand why people get in long term relationships in high school,
even if you don't break up you probably will have to when you go to college"
"if you really loved each other, you would want to stay in a long distance relatipnship"
"you're too young to really know what love is"
these are all things i've been hearing a lot lately...
needless to say i don't agree with any of them...
And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
But this was not your dream
But you always believed in me
Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home
im doing everything i can to live for today and not think about how im going to feel next fall. im doing everything i can to keep this shit from influencing my college decision. i hope everything i can is enough.
Tuesday, March 7, 2006
saturday; went to tops in the morning then went to michaels all day :) fun. we sat around n ordered pizza n i fell asleep at like 9 lol but it was cute. and fun. and i love him.
sunday; sat around in the morning didnt do much of anything. then i had a coed game..which we lost :/ booo. then i watched the oscars/8 mile. i still hate sunday afternoons..even during breaks lol.
monday; cleaned a little in the morning, then went shopping with mommy. i found a formal i liked but it had a tear so i might go n buy it at another mall. then michael came over at night and we watched 'march of the penguins' lol which i have been wanting to see forever. it was so cute! yay
today; i just got back from visiting UT. dont know what to think. i still have no idea what i want to do/where i want to go. i do know that it just might not be biomed engineering lol. *shrug* n yeah..dunno whats happenin tonite. anyways thats about it
so far break is good..just going by too fast
Give up this fight
there are no second chances
This time I might
To ask the sea for answers
These bonds are shackle free
wrapped in lust and lunacy
Tiny touch of jealousy
these bonds are shackle free
Sunday, February 26, 2006
i hate english papers especially
i hate writing essays
i hate being indecisive
i hate overprotective parents
i like weekends
i like playing soccer
i like having a good time
i LOVE michael n my friends
i like that its ALMOST SPRING BREAK.
so yeah..not going anywhere for spring break, but im going to make sure that it kicks ass anyways!
i can't wait for a break!
Thursday, January 5, 2006
how well do you know me? lol. fill this out n then post it in your journal and see how well people know you. if you do mine, i'll do yours! 1,2,3...go!
Who is the love of my life:
Where did we meet:
Take a stab at my middle name:
How long have you known me:
When is the last time that we saw each other:
Do I smoke:
Do I drink:
Do I curse:
Do I believe in God:
When is my birthday:
What was your first impression of upon meeting me:
Color of my eyes:
Do I have any siblings:
What's one of my favorite things to do:
Am I funny:
Do you remember one of the first things I said to you:
What's my favorite type of music:
What is the best feature about me:
Am I shy or outgoing:
Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules:
Do I have any special talents:
Would you consider me a friend/good friend:
Would you call me preppy, average, sporty, punk, hippie, glam, nerdy, snobby, or something else (what):
Have you ever seen me cry:
Are my parents still together:
If I had broccoli stuck in my teeth would you tell me:
Have you ever hugged me:
Do you miss me...do you think i miss you:
What is my favorite food:
Have you ever had a crush on me:
If there was one good nickname for me, what would it be:
What's your favorite memory of me:
Who do I like right now:
What is my worst habit:
If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what one thing would I bring?
Tuesday, January 3, 2006
- propane, pomegranates, limes, good times :)
-lots of shopping
-looking at christmas lights
-'circle of friends'
-rollerblading for the first time in years
-meeting michael's brother who was in town
-into the blue, the interpreter
-mexican food on christmas
-visiting my grandpa in the hospital :/
-my grandpa continually getting better
-meeting random people at starbucks
-'100 years of solitude'
-swinging in the park
-almost beginning the new year pissed off
-my brother almost blowing his head off
-black eyed peas for good luck
-still trying to come up with a new year's resolution
-having a great new years nite to make up for new years eve
-target, chinese food, meyer park, myspace
meh. I'm sure there was more but I can't think of much else at the moment. Anyways break was good, it just went by too fast. Today was pretty good for being the first day of school and all. There are actually several seniors in my health class..that's good I suppose. Definetly glad I skipped out on taking gvt AP and I think I'm going to like early release. I'll just have to live with the getting up early part. Pretty sure english is going to keep being a bitch. Physics is going to start being a bitch. I can't wait to graduate...but I don't think I'm ready to leave yet. There's a few things I'm not ready to leave behind....
It's hard to believe I'm not making a mistake
When this seems so wrong
But it's what I've got to do, a risk I've got to take.
It's frightening to think that I may never feel this way about someone again
and it's unbelievable to think that I ever could...
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Friday, December 16, 2005
first day of break. i got to hang out with my girls.
AND...I GOT IN TO YALE!! :)
that's all..have a nice day.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
why i feel :)/:(/and :/ over the past few days...
:) my grandpa's surgey went well..
:/ not out of the woods yet though..he'll be in icu for at least 3 days
:) 2 days of school left for me
:) 3rd six weeks treated me well
:) the highest grade i need on a final is approximately 50
:) its almost christmas
:) lots of parties at school today
:( i ate entirely too much today and i *still* feel full
:) this past weekend was pretty hot, got my xmas shopping done, did a fun run, saw my hunnni :)
:/ it feels like friday..it's not.
:( haven't gotten around to running this week
:/ gilmore girls isn't new tonite. mehhh.
:/ get my decision back soon. haven't decided how i feel about this yet
:) did i mention its almost break?
Saturday, December 3, 2005
_ As of last Thursday, I enjoy running. Since then I've run approximately 26 miles in a little over a week. Which is a lot for me. I don't know what changed, but I'm glad to see running as an enjoyment rather than a chore and I hope this feeling doesn't go away. I just got back from running..meh. I shouldn't have gone today probably due to my limited sleep and not drinking or eating all day because I felt like I was going to pass out. meh.
_ I'm fucking sick of school. So glad that the break's coming up. I have a shitload of work to do tomorrow. :/ gay. And I'm really gettting sick of English. 7 day ltds and getting c's on everything does not agree with me. But break should be good.
_ I get my rejection in like 12 days. All that's left is a glimmer of hope that I might be deferred and an even slighter glimmer that I will be accepted. Which I suppose is good. Because if I do get in, I'll be pleasantly surprised, and if I don't, there isn't much hope to crush. Still, I'd rather hold on to my little bit of hope, and I'm kind of sad to part with it.
_Yesterday I went and played Statistics/Apples to Apples with Casey, Katie, and Michael O. I like them a lot. So that was entertaining. lol especially at the end.
_ Last night Michael came over and watched War of the Worlds with me. That was good. Then we fell asleep on the couch..which I suppose is 'cute' but that was not good. I woke up from my very light sleep with a sore neck at 3:30 in the morning. At least I didn't have to still drive home like Michael. Lately I have no energy. If it gets to be past midnight and I'm just sitting there, I almost always fall asleep. It's a bad habit really.
_ I'm getting really anxious about my future. I hate the uncertainty of everything. Where will I get in? And then where will I go? Will I like it there? Will I stay in touch with my friends? What's going to happen to my relationship? [okay, maybe that one isn't as uncertain, just depressing] Will I have trouble making new friends? Will I enjoy what I'm studying? So many questions still unanswered. Suppose all I can do is chill out n wait.
_ I still feel like I'm going to pass out at any moment..so this entry is done.
Thursday, December 1, 2005
6:52PM - it's december in our town
I don't really feel like writing. Maybe later.
I stayed after school today for NHS and we made reindeer. While making reindeer...
[Adam was asking me about Michael]
Christina M: Oh your boyfriend's from Scotland? Do they have their own language?
Me: no...they speak english.
Christina Y: Tara are you being sarcastic or not?
Me: what do you think?
Christina Y: I don't know..just tell me! Do they have their own language or not?
and this is number 1 in our class.
maybe its something to do with the name Christina?
its sad how many people ask questions like that about Scotland..I never thought of it as an obscure country myself.
Friday, November 25, 2005
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
College Apps are stressing me out less these days. partly because i'm done with all but 2 of them and i've submitted 4 already (still have some more to send that are already finished..). anyways i'm pretty excited about going to college. i have no clue where i'll end up but i think it'll be exciting no matter what. there are a few things which make me less excited about school, but for the most part i can't wait to graduate and get on with my life. yay!
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